Came across the beauty of you via IG after coming out from a film, turned out with a minor breakdown almost immediately. I don't know how to explain why. Found myself lost at the shopping mall, losing the sense of direction, didn't know where to go, helplessly, hopelessly. Wanted to call for help. Didn't know who to call. 

After a short while decided to move on regardless, heading to where I should be going to. I have to face it, without you. I have to be strong enough to endure all that. Otherwise, there will be no chance and I am just giving it up.

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, just to let you know.

這幾天看到的，很痛心。
妳真的這樣嗎？是故意顯露出來，還是因粗心大意？
好知道我會看見的嗎？
下午在街上，胃抽搐起來，幾乎想吐。然後，晚上亦然。
很痛心。
真的這樣嗎？
請妳好好待自己，愛自己。

好像再次夢到妳。但醒後已記不起。

Alan說，朋友清風街的餐廳，遇上喝完酒會脫衣服的女孩。
想起了妳。
然後，看到妳的IG。心仍在淌血。

夢見妳。
醒後竟然有記憶。而且還算清晰。
草草記下片段。
跟妳外出，有另外的人。好像要排演之類。後來又似是去酒吧。
妳好像跟他眉來眼去，心裡不太好受。
沒信心，主動牽妳手。
只有牽手，沒有其他。
妳好像很受落。甜美的。
雖然內心仍有陰霾，若即若離，但同時，比現實好。
因為尚有希望，有憧憬。
也許好想妳。

碗裡的金魚，是潛意識的暗示嗎？
妳明白那個意思嗎？

Happy valentines, my dearest.
Been missing you always. It's becoming a habit, like every breath I take.

突如而來的焦慮。

可能也不算是。見妳IG的貼，猜想一二。然後就是遐想。其實，怎會沒有這樣的事情發生。我應該接受現實總會這樣。

但是，為甚麼其他人可以這樣，而我，偏偏對我如此苛刻。
又或是這又要算進去我想多了。